Just a rant.

If you live in Portland and have kids, know anyone that has kids, work with kids, or possibly kidnapped a child for the day - you were at the Oregon Zoo last Wednesday morning. From now on, whenever I hear the phrase, "It was a zoo in there!" I will instantly associate it with the mayhem that I experienced there this past week.

Now, it's not uncommon for the zoo to be busy on a nice day in Portland. Wednesday was not only a nice day - but it was the FIRST nice day after about a week and a half of rainy days, it was pay day for many, and *Drum roll* the PBS Kids show Between the Lions was performing 3 live shows all before 1 pm.

I arrived to the zoo parking lot a mere three minutes after the zoo was scheduled to open. After racing three minivans, two suvs, and one god awful huge truck thru the lot of compact car spaces, I squeeeezed into one of the only remaining available parking spots at the very back of the lot.

For the first time ever, I decided to forgo the bane of my existence (a.k.a. the double stroller) and storm the zoo armed only with a backpack of snacks, diapers, water, and my own two (already sweaty) hands. This. Was. A. Horrible. Mistake.

We trekked across the lot only to arrive at the entrance to the zoo where every line - all eight of them - was backed up so far people were waiting in the loading zones in the parking lot. Looking around at the other parents' faces I realized I was not alone in my belief that the gates in front of me were actually leading to the mouth of hell - not a fun filled morning with the kids.

Cursing every person who ever felt the need to remind me how lucky I am to have such an easy job, I got in line. Within seconds, there was a troop of six more behind us: 2 six year old boys (twins), 1 young girl (probably 8 or so), a frazzled mom, and a grouchy grandma pushing a screaming shoe throwing 2 year old.

I inched forward, attempting -unsuccessfully - to gain a foot of much needed personal space from the madness behind me. Apparently I need to work on my stink eye, because whatever look I was shooting over my shoulder at the grandma pushing the stroller so far forward she was on the back of my flip flop, was NOT working.

Discontent with merely irritating me through poor stroller driving, bitch grandma made it personal by attempting to push me out of the line and cut in front of me not five minutes later. At this, I grasped Noah and Hayden's slippery hands firmly and said loudly enough for her to hear, " Step forward boys - WE're in this line, too."

Hoping I had made my point (passive) aggressively enough, I bent down to get the boy's sippy cups out of the bag. No sooner had I taken her out of my range of sight, said awful human being pushed forward AGAIN trying to force me out of line.

I shot up and spun around, opening my mouth (fully preparing to say something worth getting fired over) but before I could get anything out, the little 8 year old turned to the bitch with the stroller and said, "Grandma - be careful - we don't want to cut in front of them!"

Polite kids rock my socks. Especially when they have such poor examples of common decency to learn from. It never ceases to amaze me when I meet a rude old person who expects respect merely because they've managed to stay alive so long. The idea that they deserve leniency in their old age, and that their impolite behavior should be excused, is ludicrous. The elderly, of all people, have had more time on this planet to learn the value of kindness and patience.

Thankfully, Grandma was shamed into a grudging courtesy, and I spent the remaining 15 minutes in line only having to worry about the wild animals attached to my own two arms.

I could labor the nightmare the rest of the morning at the zoo was - but I won't. At the end of the day, the stress of the outing was balanced out by the fact the boys were so exhausted they crashed out for three simultaneous hours and I got to mellow out and regain my sanity. Thank goodness for naps.

And...I'm done.