So, ya think you want to date online...

I've wanted to write something about this subject for a looooong time. So. Without further ado. (Note, this is going to be a helluva long post.)

I haven't made it a secret that I've used online dating in the past. When I moved to Portland I only knew one person - literally - just ONE - and he, to put it nicely, was an asshat. I was starting a job as a nanny that offered little to no connection with anyone my age and I was living in Family-ville Beaverton...about 15 miles from downtown Portland. I figured joining an online dating site (Match.com to be specific) was just as good a way as any to meet people - and wouldn't it be a pleasant surprise if I met someone worth dating? Well yes. That would have been a pleasant surprise. Over the course of the number of months I was on it, I met several truly fabulous men- none of whom I connected with in the necessary way to begin a relationship, but became friends with all the same.

I will soon be moving to Seattle. Thankfully, this is a city where I know more people than I did when I moved Portland - and one of my bestest friends EVER already lives there.

Grand total of people my age I know in Seattle: 12.
Number of those people I'd even remotely consider hanging out with: 4. Including said best friend.

While certainly an improvement, it is still a relatively small number of people to be acquainted with.

So I find myself joining the online dating realm once again. As per a friend's advice, I'm forgo-ing Match (which is predominantly filled with twenty somethings looking to buy a house, find a wife, adopt a lab named Sam, and drive a nice mid-sized sedan - nothing wrong with this...it is just the farthest thing I could imagine myself signing on for right now - or ever.) Instead, I made a profile for Lovelab, on The Stranger website.

The Stranger is Seattle's version of The Mercury (or vice versa). It is a free weekly alternative arts and culture newspaper. Its version of a dating profile is unlike any I've seen, and in short, is right up my alley - as are a number of the men and women signed up for it. It asks unusual questions, that while odd, if answered honestly give a unique and humorous insight into the kind of person you are dealing with. I can safely say that although many of the guys don't fit my prefered demographic for dating, some certainly do, and many do for friendships. Anyways. I'll stop defending my presence on the site. I'm having fun and making connections. I'm jazzed.

In short - previous and current experiences combined - I believe I have seen and learned enough to offer some constructive advice to any girl considering joining this site (as well as a few words to the men already registered.)

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1.) People lie on their profile. Be aware of this. Men and women tend to lie about different things.

*Women: lie about their weight. Sorry honey, if you are 5'2 and 250lbs - you are not "Average."
Be proud of being big and beautiful - do NOT post pictures of yourself 30,50, 70 lbs thinner. Yes, your personality may be phenomenal - but your personality is attached to your body. Do yourself, and the guys a favor by being honest. They aren't being an asshole if they don't want to see you again after meeting - you lied about something pretty damn important from the get-go.

*Men: lie about their height, income, and often, hair: (I'll only address height - because to be honest, I don't care about the other two.) More than anything, dudes lie about height. Unless his height is over 6', I always subtract at least one to two inches from what they claim. I've yet to be wrong on this. Like women know a common standard of beauty=thin, men know a common standard of attractiveness= tall.
Not all women, but many, myself included, will date a man her height if she really likes his personality/face/humor etc...we will date our height. Not shorter.
So men - save us and yourself some time and be honest about your height (and for that matter, your income and bald spot.)

2.) This suggestion piggy backs on numero uno. Unless he is just crazy crafty - and is looking for a girl with a heart of gold that would love him whether he looked like Brad Pitt or Quasimodo - there is a reason he hasn't posted pictures of himself where you can see his face clearly. Same for women.
Online dating is glorified window shopping for a mate. People aren't stupid. If they are aware they are not conventionally good looking, in 4 out of 5 cases they will post pictures in which it's impossible to get a good idea of what they look like.
What is unfortunate, is usually these people are totally kick ass (well...that, or are total freaks) - but it goes back to number one. In my mind, not showing clear and accurate pictures of yourself is as bad as lying about what you do look like. You're banking on hooking someone with your amazing humor and wit - and then praying to god they don't run for the hills when you meet. It's just not fair. Be honest. If you can't find a date with an accurate picture - don't post 10 pictures of fields you've hiked, your motorcycle, or your cat.

3.) Speaking of cats, guys that post as many (or more) pictures of their cat as they do themselves are usually weirdos. Guys that post one or two pictures of their dog, along with pictures of themselves, are usually cool.

4.) Some people (both men and women) are just online looking for sex. Fine- whatever - I don't really care, but it'd be nice if they'd be more upfront about their intentions. Ladies, if you are not looking for quick sex, here are a few ways to recognize guys that are:

a. They are very picky about what they are looking for physically in a woman.
b. They say they're "not sure if they're looking for anything serious right now."
c. They throw out sexual innuendo on their profile, or early and often right after you begin talking with each other.
d. They blatantly say they love sex. (Um, yes, thank you- we all love sex. That's a given. It doesn't need to be said.)
e. They have pictures of themselves flexing without their shirts on (well...these types could also just be immature and lacking class or original thought...)

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule. But all of these combined in one profile is usually fairly telling.

5.) If he/she says they recently got out of a long term relationship - they either have an inability to be alone, or they're looking for a rebound.

6.) For the love of Mike, if they openly say they are shy, selfish, arrogant, short-tempered ("fiery"), love porn, drink a lot, sleep a lot, dislike sports - believe them. Even if any of those things are followed by smiley or winky faces - they are usually being serious. If you are not ok with any of the traits he lists for himself either change your mind, or keep looking. It's not fair to get into a relationship looking to change someone, especially if they were honest about their personality from the beginning.

7.) If a person does not spell/grammar check their profile and emails - it means something. Keep looking.

8.) Once you've started corresponding with someone, if you're interested in each other, set up a date to meet as soon as possible.
Everyone is at their best and brightest over email. Meet quickly. This keeps you from the inevitable emotional attachment and the pie-in-the-sky hopes they are exactly the same in real life. They're never the same. But, when you're lucky, they're better :)

9.) As an unapologetically, completely maternal piece of advice: Let someone know where you're meeting this person and who they are.
I completely defend online dating - but dear god, there's some freaks out there. Don't be a Dateline special.

Alright, that's "all" I can think of for now. As time goes on, there will likely be more to come....Cheers.